Wellness Wednesday with Taylor Chetty - Embracing Eros

Trigger warning: sex, sexuality, sexual violence

Eros, the Greek God of love, desire, sexual attraction and son of Aphrodite, Goddess of love, is more

commonly known and defined as “Cupid” in our Western society; however, Merriam-Webster also

defines eros as “the sum of life preserving instincts to gratify basic needs, as sublimated impulses, and as impulses to protect and preserve the body and mind (compare death instinct)”. Eros keeps you ALIVE. It invigorates you. It is the fire you feel in your belly when you are excited about something, when you yearn for more, when you do anything that feeds your life in a way that satisfies a desire or need.

Take a moment to reflect on what keeps you going. Maybe even make a list in your phone or on a

notepad, if you feel compelled. Is it your kids? Your job? Your passions? Your partner/spouse/significant other? Hobbies? Friends? Family?

What do you ENJOY? I enjoy a cup of coffee on my deck on a Saturday morning; a difficult, yet satisfying workout that leaves me feeling exhausted and strong; when my cat lays on me and I feel her heating up and purring; hearing a song that transports me somewhere or makes me feel something.

THAT is eros. True enjoyment.

When you think of your eros, where do you feel it? I feel it in my belly. It’s a deep and primal type of fuel that propels me into action, advocacy and self-care in the most intense ways. Sometimes I even hold onto eros for people in my counselling office who have experienced trauma and no longer have the innate impulses to protect and preserve themselves after violence, relational trauma or after years of chronic overwhelm and stress. Certain events can trigger nervous system responses that hijack the individual’s ability to respond mindfully or joyfully (leading to dissociation, out of body experiences, or mental illnesses), or thwart their ability to feel safe to feel or experience eros in their daily life. Sometimes trauma and/or shame can embed subconscious beliefs (of which we are unaware) that we are not deserving of eros or joy and we will even prevent ourselves from feeling or expressing eros because of these subconscious beliefs.

I have been a Social Worker for almost 10 years. Most of my career has been spent working in the

justice system with survivors of sexual violence. I very quickly began to realize that in the absence of

mainstream erotic topics like sex, desire, lust, intimacy and vulnerability, people were being harmed.

This work and realization ignited my own desire to discuss sex and sexuality in age-appropriate and

natural ways, as there is a large body of research to support that in the absence of these conversations, violence prevails. Especially, when we do not allow children and youth to have open discussions about sex and sexuality. This is why in Canada we experience alarmingly high rates of sexualized violence; and also why so many people do not enjoy or want to talk about sex, do not experience the pleasure of daily life, or feel they are not worthy of what life has to offer. This is our socially conditioned norm, the cultural and generational remnants of colonialism, industrialization and capitalism, and the reason I am so passionate about the topic of normalizing eroticism and sex.

Until I started normalizing the topic for myself, I had no idea that the idea of eroticism or eros would

become such an important topic to me, certainly not one I would find myself writing a blog post about. But in the absence of open discussions, there is trauma, unwanted pregnancies, sexually transmitted-infections, and more issues that create shame in peoples lives. I feel so passionately about this topic that I wrote an entire Masters level thesis about comprehensive sexual education programming in schools and the importance of such. My eros fueled an entire 6.5 years of work in the justice system, 3.5 years dedicating my spare time to the non-profit organization (the You Are More Project), 3.5 years of graduate level studies and gave birth to my counselling practice. It is a powerful and motivating energy and one I love to share with others.

So, the messages I want you to take from this work are the following:

Understand and commit to your own eros. What are you passionate about? Where do you find

pleasure? And how can you incorporate more? How might you immerse yourself in every moment and find pleasure and create an even larger container for the rest of your experiences? The cup of coffee on your patio could be the conduit to the pleasure of embracing the experience of a lifetime.

Talk to your kids about their desires. These do not need to be sexual. Understand THEIR eros! They are humans with passion, desire, fuel and sacred emotions as well. Maybe their eros seems silly – Dungeons and Dragons, Fortnite, YouTube unboxings, collecting trinkets, but it is THEIRS. In a world filled with social media personas, subscriptions instead of ownership and the demand for MORE, these are hidden gems and beautiful pleasures and passions unique to them. See them as actual people instead of hypothetical ones you are forced to raise to suit society.

Examine where you learned about sex and how you feel about the topic. Do you feel ashamed of

wanting more? Do you feel embarrassed to fully let yourself go in the company of a partner? Do you feel open to the richness of submission? Where do your thoughts and feeling about sex and eroticism come from and do you still accept the source of them? If this is uncomfortable, that is okay. Sit with the part of you that is uncomfortable with these considerations and ask it’s origin story.

Discuss boundaries and urges with your children. Introduce consent into everyday tasks so they can both state and accept the word “no” without emotional consequence. Discuss with them the ways in which we can connect with our own bodies through movement, hygiene, self-care, food, play, dancing and masturbation. YES. Discuss masturbation with your kids. Discuss pleasure and urges when and with whom it is safe to satisfy them. If we do not discuss these things with children, the internet or predators will. It is not inappropriate, and the research supports that children WANT to have these conversations with their parents. It is important to note that Canadian education curricula are determined by each province and that third-party organizations are not allowed to speak in schools about sex with children, which means if your child’s teacher also carries stigma or discomfort around sex, your child may not learn about it in time to prevent uncomfortable or non-consensual experiences.

Everyone deserves to experience eros and pleasure. The more we experience these, the more we have for them and the more enjoyable our lives will become. The more connected we will feel and because the research supports that the quality of our relationships determines the quality of our health, we MUST prioritize connection to ourselves, others and to the things that make us feel alive and connect us to each other in order to collectively heal and create a world that is more passionate, safer and tolerant of each other.

You deserve to feel and experience eros. And I hope you do.

Always walking you home to yourself,

Taylor

https://www.returninghomecounselling.ca/

Instagram: @taylor.talking